Conrad Parker

Nonsense Verse

Tue Oct 22 1996

Umpton

I once caught a train to Umpton,
So did a murderous bream.
It swam up my arse with a truncheon
And beat me to death from within.

Thu Oct 24 1996

The Burning Scotsman


There once was a Scotsman,
  known for his fun,
He lit fires at parties
  with the cheeks of his bum.

With some flint by his side
  and a match up his arse,
He'd run through the halls
  setting alight what he passed.

The men would cheer
  and the lasses would swoon
As his smoking butt
  brought mirth to the room.

Sun Nov 3 1996

I'd like to be a bear


O to be a bear
  with long brown hair
Paws to catch fish
  and fangs.

I'd like to be a shark


O to be a shark
  Streamlined and grey,
Smiling at the fish
  And biting seals.

Tue Feb 25 1997

Candlewax

I've got candlewax on my tonsils,
Candlewax in my teeth,
Candlewax on the roof of my mouth
makes it hard to breathe.
Maybe if I take a rope
And tie it 'round my tongue
Light it and I hope
It won't burn right through to my bum.

Thu Feb 27 1997

Edgehogs

Hedgehogs live in hedges
Edgehogs live on the edge
They walk to the end of the garden
And sit upon the ledge.

My pinkie

My pinkie likes salmon
My pinkie likes bream
My pinkie is almost
Engulfed by its whim.

Tue Feb 3 1998

Naples


I took a trip to Naples
With a butt full of staples
So much fun, I couldn't bear to leave
(They had magnets).

In May I swam to Chile
Got a snap frozen willy
So upset, when it came time to return
(I fell apart).

I once drove to Brisbane
with an inkling of wisdom
So keen, I soon was to depart
(There's stupid people


     in Brisbane too).

Wed Feb 11 1998

Cannibalism

Sometimes I eat porridge
Sometimes I eat wheat
But I prefer to eat bananas
Because I eat them with my feet.

Sat Jun 20 1998

Iguana Rhumba


I once had a pet iguana
  He called himself Van Gogh
He changed colour to that of a pirahna
  And then bit off his toe.

Coffee Critters


There's things crawling around in my coffee,
  things crawling around in my tea,
I don't quite know what they are
  but now they're crawling around in me

Sun Oct 18 1998

Termites

I made a brick with termites,
It wasn't very good
I tried to make a house with it
And it got infested with wood.

Fri Mar 19 1999

Carousel Worms

I caught the fun fair carousel
It didn't take me far
Just went around in circles
And left my stomach charred.